Foot Washer Freaky Deak/Husband Freaky Deak

"I want to see what's under your toe nails"

"I now pronounce you husband deak and wife"

What a freaking deaking lakehouse
disaster!

Driving back now from a rustic Lake Winnipesaukee adventure filled with mutual friends we've never really met, septic systems that didn't work, and older men whose baggage was packed with more than just a few pairs of swimming trunks - children, ex-wives, estranged wives, and not to be outdone by wives up the wazoo.

So our friend Tara lured us up to Lake Deaky-Pasaki for the night and it was a game of cat and mouse trying to keep out of arms reach of middle-aged deaks.

When we arrived it was duller than the hair color the deaks were sporting. We needed to hydrate with vodka to survive the boredom and pretty soon the deaks were trying to keep up with us, partying like it was 1985. Dar and I crashed together on the pull out couch before things got too grey (pun intended)  but the damage was already done to their hearts. In the morning the Deak Posse ferried all guests back to mainland minus the 2 of us and so we were stranded at Lake Deaky. Rehydration (more vodka) was more than necessary.

Foot Washer Freaky Deak was sitting in the hot tub all morning, enjoying the only stimulation he could get -the jets- when he asked to clean my feet. The only reason I accommodated his request was that I was about to contaminate my Louboutin lake flats. Within minutes he was giving me the most aggressive, invasive pedicure I had ever received, complete with soap, metal tools, and serums Deak created by himself all morning by his own hands.

Meanwhile, Dar was being suffocated by what would become her Husband Freaky Deak. Deak fell in love with her at first site and was already planning her return visit the following weekend to meet his 3 children. He wanted to marry her on the spot and Foot Washer Deak suggested they do so then and there. Because I was under the influence of strange chemicals seeping in from my feet, I volunteered to be the minister. Dar didn't challenge this, likely because of the same chemicals, and was soon thereafter, married to Husband Deak as she sat in the hot tub amongst a bed of foot residue.

Cut to us calling around now for a divorce attorney and a side of prescription strength foot sanitizer. Well the good news is that Husband Freaky Deak was an Idiot Deak and didn't sign a prenup. Can't wait for the Newport Mansion next weekend and the Aspen condo this winter.