Doorman Freaky Deak

"Can I get the door...to your bedroom"

About ready to check my underwear drawer for fear the deplorable of a Doorman Deak has become one of the main consumers of my bloomers...

So a couple of days ago I was meeting my friends in the lobby of my building and a 40-something-year-old nerdy doorman I've never seen before approaches me and says, "Love your outfit, the color scheme totally matches your apartment. Those vibrant yellows and reds on your purse totally jive well with your cartoon sculpture and all of your wall decor."

Last I checked I don't live at the Aquarium of Deak where my life is a fishbowl. I immediately countered, "How do you know which one is my apartment?" He responded as if I was missing the obvious connection, "I was the one who let Comcast in last week, my name is Kevin."

Is there some technology I'm not aware of that transmits a telepathic signal of a resident's name and apartment number when they walk by? Unless I've been in a telecommunications holding pattern it seems to me that Doorman Freaky Deak was doing a driveby on my personal photos, most of which are in my bedroom.

Well the story doesn't end there. Yesterday I'm walking into my building and I see Doorman Freaky Deak a mile away so I opt for the revolving door to avoid a confrontation but of course he sees me and grabs my arm and the conversation goes as follows:

Doorman Deak: Lula, Lala, or is it Lela?
Me: No, my name is Mel.
Doorman Deak: No, I'm not talking about your name. I know your name silly. I'm talking about your doggy's name?
Me: I don't have a dog and last time I checked there was a strict policy against having dogs here. Did that change? (My mind was racing a million miles a second on what hue of red chenille upholstery I would buy for my new puppy's dog bed).
Doorman Deak: No, not your real doggy, that sculpture in your apartment, you know the cartoon one that echoes your bold color choices? I looked it over for awhile and it has a similar facial structure to a dog.
Me: Betty Boop?
Doorman Deak: Yes, I guess that's it.

I abruptly walked away. I could just see the conversation shifting to, "Cotton briefs, lace thongs, or latex g-strings? Well based on your palette, definitely latex g-strings."

I'm now considering putting a double bolt lock on my underwear drawer or jumping the hurdles and buying some not so sexy girdles.