Foot Washer Freaky Deak/Husband Freaky Deak

"I want to see what's under your toe nails"

"I now pronounce you husband deak and wife"

What a freaking deaking lakehouse
disaster!

Driving back now from a rustic Lake Winnipesaukee adventure filled with mutual friends we've never really met, septic systems that didn't work, and older men whose baggage was packed with more than just a few pairs of swimming trunks - children, ex-wives, estranged wives, and not to be outdone by wives up the wazoo.

So our friend Tara lured us up to Lake Deaky-Pasaki for the night and it was a game of cat and mouse trying to keep out of arms reach of middle-aged deaks.

When we arrived it was duller than the hair color the deaks were sporting. We needed to hydrate with vodka to survive the boredom and pretty soon the deaks were trying to keep up with us, partying like it was 1985. Dar and I crashed together on the pull out couch before things got too grey (pun intended)  but the damage was already done to their hearts. In the morning the Deak Posse ferried all guests back to mainland minus the 2 of us and so we were stranded at Lake Deaky. Rehydration (more vodka) was more than necessary.

Foot Washer Freaky Deak was sitting in the hot tub all morning, enjoying the only stimulation he could get -the jets- when he asked to clean my feet. The only reason I accommodated his request was that I was about to contaminate my Louboutin lake flats. Within minutes he was giving me the most aggressive, invasive pedicure I had ever received, complete with soap, metal tools, and serums Deak created by himself all morning by his own hands.

Meanwhile, Dar was being suffocated by what would become her Husband Freaky Deak. Deak fell in love with her at first site and was already planning her return visit the following weekend to meet his 3 children. He wanted to marry her on the spot and Foot Washer Deak suggested they do so then and there. Because I was under the influence of strange chemicals seeping in from my feet, I volunteered to be the minister. Dar didn't challenge this, likely because of the same chemicals, and was soon thereafter, married to Husband Deak as she sat in the hot tub amongst a bed of foot residue.

Cut to us calling around now for a divorce attorney and a side of prescription strength foot sanitizer. Well the good news is that Husband Freaky Deak was an Idiot Deak and didn't sign a prenup. Can't wait for the Newport Mansion next weekend and the Aspen condo this winter.

ALERT: Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak

"Hitchhiker in the hizzouse!"

The Naked Hitchhiker Deak is in Dar's apartment in Boston! Same deakshow we picked up on the Vineyard who got naked at the beach 10 minutes after pick up. She is freaking deaking out! He swindled her into believing he was coincidentally taking the same ferry/bus through Boston en route to Worcester. Can't believe she hasn't been able to ditch the hitch!

So per the usual, he was rolling joints/smoking during entire ferry ride, antagonizing every last patron. Not until arriving in Boston did he confess his whole scheme of following Dar to city to spend more time with her. As soon as he got to Boston he met a homeless Jamaican bum who he gave his rolling papers, weed, tobacco, cigarettes, lighter, pipe, money to, saying, "If a Jamaican can't smoke weed, then no one should be allowed to smoke weed."

There is no return bus until morning and there is no way he can fend for himself in the city so Dar was left with no other choice but to take him in. Not surprisingly he tried to disrobe but Dar told him the meatballs on the spaghetti dinner were enough balls for one night.

Side note: At time of post the Naked Hitchhiker Deak did not have cell phone.

Cop on Detail Freaky Deak

"You're arrested for being a sexy bitch!"

Back in Boston and last night Dar and I are leaving a dive on Newbury past closing, a privilege earned during the sleepless nights of college, studying and being admitted to the bar at the ripe old age of 18, and the Cop on Detail Freaky Deak says, "Why the hell are you guys leaving?" He insists/practically demands us to go back in. We're not ones to argue with authority and I didn't want to be disbarred so of course we oblige.

Within minutes Freaky Deak has changed out of uniform and is inside buying us drinks. At 4:30ish I call a headache audible and Officer Deak insists on driving us home in his brand new Chevy police cruiser, which I should mention was gorgeous, not without stopping for sustenance at our favorite Chinatown establishment. Thanks tax dollars for a night out on the town!

I guess Freaky Deak's idea of cleaning up the mean streets of Boston was by getting 2 girls in floral summer dresses off the streets. I'd say he would probably blow a 2.0 Freaky Deak on the breathalyser.

Side note: Cop Deak demanded Dar's digits. Stay tuned for any updates.

UPDATE: Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak

"Oh buoy do we have some explaining to do"

The Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak is now in Jack's cottage in Oak Bluffs naked on her sofa. He's like Goldilocks as he's spread his wild oats on every last piece of furniture trying to deak out the seat that's just right. Deak just asked for a tick check but not sure we should oblige.

So maybe we were slightly duped by his alibi of needing to get to Oak Bluffs to see his uncle or maybe it was the succulent fried seafood dinner at the Galley he bought us tonight that did us in. And we're certainly not blinded by celebrity but as it turns out, he's a well known deak! After din a middle-aged buttoned up aesthetic bore of a woman walked up to him and instead of the expected deak out for smoking on the beach, she shrieked not deaked with excitement over the fact that he found his shoes. Apparently she recently picked him up naked in the middle of the night when he was tripping on shrooms. My question is, where the hell was Boring Betty going at that time of night? Do we have a Freaky Deaka (feminine verbage) on our hands?

So since we've gotten back to the house we've tried to cloth Deak in case of visitors, angling for Dar's booty shorts to give him the least amount of fabric possible to no avail. Restriction seems to be his affliction. Currently Dar is passed out on floor and Deak is  giving her a foot massage.

 

It's going to take a wholesale club quantity of Lysol to disinfect this place, specifically the tan leather couch, from his natural man juice excretions for Jack's grandma's arrival tomorrow.

UPDATE: Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak

"Excuse me while I light my spliff, hope those children don't take a wiff"                            
The Naked Hitchhiker Deak just blatantly rolled a massive spliff on top of a family of 6 and in turn hastily uprooted them. Wow, talk about being deaked out big time by this scenario! We're at a beach in Menemsha waiting to watch the sunset and are being stared down by every last sunset seeking not deaking soul. I'm hoping everyone is looking at his jar of tobacco and not his population of Jamaica sized serving dish of purple haze.

Five seconds before Spliff Gate, Deak ran up to a guy with 2 lapdogs and said "Hey I remember you." We assumed he was conversing with the gentleman but then got down on 2 knees to continue discussion and suck face with his long lost pup friends. It turns out his sister dogsat them awhile back and when they eyed his pot, he gave them each a gargantuan ganja allotment and proceeded to get stoned with them. Never has "gone to the dogs" sounded more apropos.

Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak

"Just a slight HITCH, hope we don't end up in a ditch"
Hitchhiker we just picked up has dropped COMPLETE AND UTTER TROW at the beach! Freaky but we're admiring his nonexistent tanlines! There's children in front of us sculpting sandcastles in the shape of meat and potatoes which I should say are looking more realistic by the second! Lots of beach balls at this beach...

So Jacks, Dar, and I are on the Vineyard cruising up island to the beach and we notice this hot piece of hitchhiking ass, a shirtless Adonis of greasy wilderness with a ceramic jar of spliffs and flowers in his hair. Not only was the entertainment portion of the day still wide open but Pythagoras's Sexy Summer Fun Theorem states that summer tunes + summer road sodas + summer wind (fried dough and marina gas dock smell) = sunny but clouded inhibitions, henceforth why we we picked up the Naked Hitchhiker Freaky Deak. And not to rationalize but hitchhiking is as common as accidentally swapping spit with a
Simon/Taylor/Belushi/Shark relative on MV.

So right now we are sitting on the kid friendly, non-nude beach while the nudist part is about 10 yards away which was pointed out to us when freaky deak identified his father deak by his father's hairy and flabby ass. Big cojones seem to run in the family...